Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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