she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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