mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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