Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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