Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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