I could make wine with my vomit
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Someone signed my nipple.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
