Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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