After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
