Sponge bath it is.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
