Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
