An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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