OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
