What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
