u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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