Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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