My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
