I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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