Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
