I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
