hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
this just has baby written all over it
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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