Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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