My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize