when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
