Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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