somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize