worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
