Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
