thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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