My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
