Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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