u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
