I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You had me at "let me see your balls"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
