Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
