I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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