Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
