If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
