so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
