u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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