Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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