It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
