you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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