Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Michael Bay diarrhea
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
