Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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