Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
