If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
