I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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