the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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