It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
