Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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