Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize