Dual....:-)
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
