I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
