My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
