On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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