Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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