Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
