I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
