Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
