East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Let's get the cat blown out
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
