i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
